I don’t consider myself a control freak. I’m not a particularly good planner. But I do have pretty distinct ideas about how I want my life to be. I hold onto the notion that I am in control of creating that vision for my life. I work hard, I do all the things I’m supposed to, I hold tight to my dream of my future, and I make it happen.
Except I don’t. Because just as I think I have it all under control, that my life is going in exactly the direction it’s supposed to, that I’ve decided it will; life has this not-so-funny way of smacking me in the face and yelling at deafening volumes – “YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL!”
Ouch. It stings to come to this shocking, yet all too obvious, realization. And depending on the circumstances it is so physically, mentally, and emotionally painful.
So then what? Then comes the hard part of letting go. I’m humbled and heartbroken as I have to let go. Let go of the control. Let go of the hope and dream that my mind had selfishly wound into it’s own cocoon – embedded so tightly to provide my false sense of security.
Letting go is truly an act of grace. Peeling back each layer, I discover unpleasant parts of myself that I strive to keep so well hidden – anger, blame, frustration, sadness. For me, it is only through the grace of God that I can move forward, unwinding and letting go one layer at a time until I finally reach that fragile center – just my true self, needy and reliant on something far grander than my own limited powers.
But what do I gain from this difficult act of letting go? Trust. Trust in someone, something greater than myself. Trust that my life is going exactly where it’s meant to, even if it’s not exactly what I imagined. Also freedom. Freedom from the burden of having to control my life, from being personally responsible for every tiny twist and turn and decision. And oh what a heavy and overwhelming burden that is; what an utterly exhausting responsibility!
So is letting go easy? No. Is it fun? Probably not. But is it necessary? Yes. Is it possible to let go gracefully and somehow emerge stronger on the other side? Most certainly.
When the going gets tough, when I lose all control; for me it all boils down to this – it’s a God thing. What’s meant to be will be, what’s meant for me will come. But it’s not up to me to decide what or when or how or why. So I hold fast to faith, I surround myself with love, and I simply let go.